Conflicts have of two parts:
- An event that actually has happened (fact).
- Our interpretation of what has happened (fiction).
The frustration does not come from the events themselves but rather from the stories we tell ourselves about these events. Our interpretations, often rooted in emotions, may not necessarily align with facts.
Here how it usually works:
- Something happens.
- We react to the event with some emotions.
- We tell ourselves a story based on the emotions we’ve got.
- We act accordingly to that story.
- We find arguments to support our narrative and justify our actions.
In order to keep the conflict constructive, it is vital that the narrative we tell ourselves leads us to empathy towards the other person. The critical part to accomplish that is to control our own emotions. When we feel them, we need to take a step back, set emotions aside, and seek to deeply understand the other person’s perspective and what you both want to get at the end. Depending on if we can control our emotions we either escalate the situation or contribute to a constructive resolution of the conflict.