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Be present here and now. Eliminate any sources of irritation and distraction and direct your complete attention to the user.
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Be ready to listen to what the other user is saying without filtering their words through the lens of your personal perspectives. Keep your unconscious internal assessment mechanism off.
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Be the one who listens first. Until the other user feels heard their response will consist of defensiveness and disagreement. When the other user sees that they are heard, they are ready to listen to you. It is not necessary to agree with everything they say. You just need to acknowledge that their view is real and valid and show that you sincerely want to understand what they think.
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Control your emotions. Especially the urge to be right and to win. Never start sharing your own thoughts until another user fully finishes.
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Ask open ended questions to overcome resistance in the form of “yes” or “no” answers. Use questions like “what do you think about the issue?” or “what did you mean when you said that?”
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Encourage other users to keep sharing. Emphasize that you want to know everything they know about the issue.
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If something sounds vague, indicate to the speaker what you just have heard by saying something like “It sounds like you are saying” or “what I am hearing is”.
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Reframe when needed. Someone’s perception of a problem depends on how we describe it. Changing our narrative about the problem can significantly influence others’ perception and their emotions.
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Take a pause any time you feel uneasy. If you do not have an idea what to say or if someone said something inappropriate, pause saying nothing.
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Stay focused and on topic.
This is a fragment of a draft of the book “Lessons Learned While Working On Stack Overflow”. Read the full book on kindle or the paperback version.